By Ima Morahn
The Clinton News Network, in an exclusive interview with a former classmate of Donald Trump, has uncovered some startling news about the 45th President’s last year at The New York Military Academy. Charlie Nowetawl, who resides at 1611 King James Place in Woodside, Queens, and who prefers to remain anonymous, told Clinton News that he and then teenage Donald Trump were roommates their last two years at the academy. In the interest of absolute secrecy, we met at the Holiday Inn on Queens Boulevard, just a few blocks from his home.
“I spent quite a lot of time with Donald, especially during our senior year,” said Nowetawl, “and I don’t remember a single conversation, whether private or when in the company of other students, when he expressed self loathing due to his White European ancestry. This is clearly, at least by today’s standards, the very definition of a racist.”
Trump’s former roommate went on to describe an even more disturbing revelation about the future POTUS. “We were in Professor Overcomb’s creative writing class together and were given an assignment to write a short story for children. I remember it clearly because I wrote about a child who played a snowflake in her kindergarten’s winter play who wanted to be an actual snowflake when she grew up. Donald wrote about an Otter named Larry who was so hairy the rest of the otters kicked him out of their romp. After travelling for miles, Larry met a female otter with no hair named Dally and they fell in love and had six kids, three hairy and three bald.”
At that point Nowetawl became emotional and needed a break from the interview. About twenty minutes later we continued and I asked what had upset him so much about recalling the details of Mr. Trump’s short story. “Don’t you see it?”, he said. “Had I seen it then I would have done everything I could do to keep this story from seeing the light of day.”
Donald Trump’s former academy chum then produced a legal folder with dozens of papers, charts and diagrams and spread them across the coffee table.
“Larry the Hairy Otter. L, H, O. Lee Harvey Oswald. Dally? Really? Dallas!” Nowetawl threw up his hands and sat back in his chair. “I rest my case,” he concluded.
I’ve been reporting for the Network for seven or eight days now, and in my entire career I have never said these words: “mind blown.”